Thursday, July 19, 2018

a f r a i d


I used to be afraid of the dark. I would imagine bugs crawling up the sides of my bed in hordes and covering me with their tiny, barbuled feet. I imagined dark silhouettes in the doorway, mask covering their faces or charcoal smeared across their eyes. I would imagine hungry, red-eyed creatures slinking through the windowsill and cornering me in my lofty perch.

I had a bunk bed. Being on the top bunk was my first precaution against these terrors. The second was my blanket. My blanket just make the monsters disappear. I would squeeze my eyes shut and lie still with the covers wrapped snuggly around my small body until it got too hot to breathe. As my last precaution, I would pray, because if all else failed, God would take away the monsters and I could finally sleep. Only when my heart stopped pounding would I poke my eyes out from under the blankets and scan the doorway. I would lay still and let the darkness seep into my mind, so that when I opened my eyes again, I had night vision. Then I could see that there were no monsters. There never were.

I have so many fears.

I’m afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of fire.

I’m afraid of bad things happening outside my little bubble of life.

I’m afraid of bad things entering my bubble.

I’m afraid of strangers.

I’m afraid of being wrong.

I’m afraid of people not wanting to be my friend, and the wrong words tumbling out of my mouth, and broken hearts and broken feelings.

I’m afraid of feeling hollow and alone.

I’m afraid of being forgotten.

I’m so afraid.

The other night, I finally realized something. I’ve come to realize that when you face your fears, usually there is nothing to fear. When you face them with a courageous heart, you’ve already won.

I wonder how many battles I’ve won so far. It makes me tired to think that I will have to fight so many more before I’m through, and I wonder just how long I’ll be able to stand it before breaking. If I were to describe myself, I would say I feel like a broken vase patched up with too much duck tape. There is much more duck tape in my future.

I wrote a poem about fear once. I don’t want to share it with you, but there is a part where I wrote that “I will overcome fear if it be God’s will.” I think that’s what He wants to me to do. But He wants me to do it while holding His hand. I don’t think I would let go of it even if I could stand by myself.

I’m still afraid of the dark. Sometimes the monsters appear in my doorway at night. I still pray, but now it’s my first precaution. I still hide beneath my covers until my heart stops racing, but I don’t stay there until it gets too hot. I don’t hide in my old lofty perch. I’m brave enough to know they won’t get me this time because God won’t let them.  I count to ten and stick my head out. Night vision comes faster. There are no monsters there. There never were.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

my aesthetic

Hi guys! It's been a while. I don't know why I haven't been here as much as I wanted to. I guess I've been so focused on my writing blog my personal one got shoved to the side which I didn't realize hurt me a bit more than I thought. So today, I'm back for the moment, and I decided to make an aesthetic for myself which is inspired by loren @ killjoy and Carol @ Peeking Through a Kaleidoscope. Actually, one of my gorgeous friends made an aesthetic board for me which is totally amazing and really I just love it, so I'm stealing some of her inspiration because honestly I don't know where to start and it fascinates me how other people perceive me. It's just way different from how I perceive myself.

Dark Hair— this always seems to be the first thing people notice about me. It's not that my hair is always in amazing up-dos or whatever. It's plain and straight and long. I really don't know, but I do love my hair so I guess it deserves to be up there.

Mist and Mountains—I love mountains, but I especially love them when they're covered in mist. It becomes really easy for me to feel at home. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to live near them but never actually gotten the chance.

Books— I love books, be it reading or writing them. It's just a way for me to escape sometimes and go on adventures. I especially love time-travel and historic fiction. It's probably because books are a sort of time machine for me. :)

Horses, Loyalty—I've always loved horses, from the time I was little. I would read every book I could get my hands on about horses and then for a while I was able to take beginner riding lessons. I don't get the chance to hang around them as much as I would like to, now. But one day I'll be able to, and that makes me happy. For the loyalty part, I guess it's because I value loyalty and horses have always been a symbol of loyalty to me.

Alone with my Thoughts—I'm an introvert, and I love examining introspective. The majority of the time I'm thinking about everything. My thoughts can be complex, deep, poetic, silly, frustrating, happy, but most of the time I keep them to myself. A lot of the time my thoughts are for me and only me. What I share with you here is just a small part of what I really think.

Piano keys—I love playing piano. I used to play it when I was younger, but I hated practicing. Now I play it because I like the puzzle of figuring out a song. I only know a few, but it occupies my mind when I need a challenge or I need to remember God or feel creative.

Rain—I love rain. I love the sound, the smell, the look, the feel. I love how my eyes can lock onto a raindrop and watch it fall all the way to the ground. There's just something about it that makes it my comfort weather. It feels raw and real and strangely more poignant than sunlight, even though it's softer and on cloudy days it's not nearly as bright. You can see everything contrasted and accentuated, kind of dramatic.

Gardening—I love planting vegetables and watching them grow. I love that plants are alive, and they always point towards the light. Plants and gardening make me feel happy because I'm caring for something that needs me when I don't know who to help. It's nice to feel needed.

Private, not Shy—Some people mistake me as shy or cold, but the truth is, I'm not really either. I'm mostly just private. I keep things to myself. I don't like to share too much about myself because I find it hard to trust the world, and while I might not trust you completely, I will still be your friend. And maybe that's a good thing because people realize that they can trust me, even though they don't know everything about me.

So there's my personality kind of conveyed in images with explantaions. Have y'all ever done these challenges? What are your favorite things? Do you like rain and mountains, or anything else on here? Do we have similar personality traits?


Friday, March 9, 2018

A letter to myself: beautiful things

Good morning, Dearest.

If the world were pitch black, then no one would be able to see anything. You wouldn't be able to speak because you'd be so scared. You wouldn't be able to learn anything because you can't learn much in the dark, other than what goes on in your head, and sometimes that's not always right. If the world were pitch black then there would be no light—no sun, no moon, no stars.

But Dearest, that's not true. You have stars, and you have a moon, and you have a sun. And just like that is a fact, this is also a fact: There is always light in your life. It always amazes me how you can  bear to say that life sucks. Life hurts. Life can be black and white. But it doesn't suck. Light is beauty. Every light in your life is a piece of beauty waiting to be seen.

You know what else amazes me? Some blind people seem to see more beauty than those with sight. And it makes me wonder, is it really they who are blind? Or is it us? Sometimes seeing can feel more like a burden than a blessing. But it can be a blessing if we want it to. And there's someone who can change that. Us.

We choose to see beauty. And then we choose to create more beauty.
There are so many beautiful things. Beautiful things make you feel happy inside. If you let it, sometimes that beauty will pour into your soul like a waterfall and fill you with every beautiful emotion in the world—love, hope, peace. It opens your eyes for a moment, and I want to cry because for the first time in a long time, you're seeing the beauty in others.

I hope you know you're beautiful, Dearest.

Stars are beautiful. There's something about the wonder and vastness of it all, the sheer number of how many of them there are in the night sky. They shine on us all night long, like little guardian angels. If you stay awake long enough through the night, then they become pricks of sunshine like the lit-up holes in your dark blanket. You smile at them, and then you fall asleep, safe in the arms of the heavens.

People are so beautiful when they truly laugh. Laughs—true laughs—are full of joy, and happiness, and peace, and so many other positive things. Laughs are contagious, just like yawns. Every time I hear someone laugh like that, I laugh. I love that sound. So laugh a lot, dearest. Notice when people are happy and feeling beautiful and let them help you feel beautiful too.
Faith is beautiful. So many bad things happen out there, and at this point, all we really have to hang onto is faith. We have faith that things will turn out. We have faith that God knows best. We have faith that we can make it through this—together. Dearest, whatever you do, don't lose faith. Faith will bring out the beauty in everything like a mountain rising over the barren desert sands and turning them to gold.

There's something about being around a person who knows they are beautiful. They know from the bottom of their hearts that they have true beauty. They're happy. They laugh a lot. They never say anything mean and they stand up for others. They are kind and helpful. They take you by the hand and lift you to your feet when all you can do is sit on the curb crying. Beautiful people say, "God created beauty to be shared."

See the beauty in others.  It's always there, even if you can't see it in yourself.

And I know that sometimes you don't see it, but you really are beautiful. It's deep down there, tucked under all that mess that pushes to the front, but I see it in your eyes. All people have beautiful eyes.  The eyes are where everything surfaces. The eyes are what tells the truth about everything. And the truth is, Dearest, your eyes tell me that you have a beautiful soul even though it may be cracked and crumbling.

Don't give up, Dearest. I don't know what I would do if you gave up.

Stay beautiful. Please.

With love,
t r u t h

A while ago, I came up with the idea of writing a series called Letters of Light. They were meant to encourage others and show them that I love them, even though I may not know them, but I've found that letters like these are precious things. They're precious because I write them to myself. I want to remember these things as I grow up, and never doubt the things I felt for even a moment. I'm happy to share them with you; maybe they'll be the letters I first envisioned when I set out writing them. :)