Monday, September 3, 2018

lapse



Sometimes fog swirls around me

And i feel the need to describe

Its misty texture,

Its oceanic, not yet briny smell,

Its grey-with-an-e color,

Its cold familiarity that keeps me

Grasping at thin air,

and gulping for a breath not saturated with water.



Fluorescent lights grow faded

And everything becomes

Confusing.

And i feel as if i’m in the center of a waterspout

Twisting down into depths unknown

And i don’t know how to go back up

Even though i crave to,

But a part of me wants to stay

Tucked away down here forever

So i can solve this puzzle

That i never fully explored.

Or maybe it’s the familiarity that beckons

With a curled finger

And a siren song.

The song is so sweet.



The surface ripples

A window just above my eyelids

That separates me from the rest of the world.

I could come up for breath.

But if i do,

The lapse will fade

And i’ll have left one more piece of me down there

Instead of finding the others and bringing them back.

If all else fails, please don’t let me forget

Anything.


* * * * *

Hi, guys. It's been a while. I can't promise that I"ll be posting again anytime soon, but I hope y'all are okay with that. I wrote this poem a couple of nights ago, but if it sounds a little bit depressed, don't worry, I'm feeling better now. Sometimes we have our highs and lows, but poetry always seems to come from the lows for me for some absurd reason. How are you guys? I've never gotten much activity on this blog, but I keep asking with the hope.

Smiles!
Nicole

Thursday, July 19, 2018

a f r a i d

via unsplash.com

I used to be afraid of the dark. I would imagine bugs crawling up the sides of my bed in hordes and covering me with their tiny, barbuled feet. I imagined dark silhouettes in the doorway, mask covering their faces or charcoal smeared across their eyes. I would imagine hungry, red-eyed creatures slinking through the windowsill and cornering me in my lofty perch.

I had a bunk bed. Being on the top bunk was my first precaution against these terrors. The second was my blanket. My blanket just make the monsters disappear. I would squeeze my eyes shut and lie still with the covers wrapped snuggly around my small body until it got too hot to breathe. As my last precaution, I would pray, because if all else failed, God would take away the monsters and I could finally sleep. Only when my heart stopped pounding would I poke my eyes out from under the blankets and scan the doorway. I would lay still and let the darkness seep into my mind, so that when I opened my eyes again, I had night vision. Then I could see that there were no monsters. There never were.

I have so many fears.

I’m afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of fire.

I’m afraid of bad things happening outside my little bubble of life.

I’m afraid of bad things entering my bubble.

I’m afraid of strangers.

I’m afraid of being wrong.

I’m afraid of people not wanting to be my friend, and the wrong words tumbling out of my mouth, and broken hearts and broken feelings.

I’m afraid of feeling hollow and alone.

I’m afraid of being forgotten.

I’m so afraid.

The other night, I finally realized something. I’ve come to realize that when you face your fears, usually there is nothing to fear. When you face them with a courageous heart, you’ve already won.

I wonder how many battles I’ve won so far. It makes me tired to think that I will have to fight so many more before I’m through, and I wonder just how long I’ll be able to stand it before breaking. If I were to describe myself, I would say I feel like a broken vase patched up with too much duck tape. There is much more duck tape in my future.

I wrote a poem about fear once. I don’t want to share it with you, but there is a part where I wrote that “I will overcome fear if it be God’s will.” I think that’s what He wants to me to do. But He wants me to do it while holding His hand. I don’t think I would let go of it even if I could stand by myself.

I’m still afraid of the dark. Sometimes the monsters appear in my doorway at night. I still pray, but now it’s my first precaution. I still hide beneath my covers until my heart stops racing, but I don’t stay there until it gets too hot. I don’t hide in my old lofty perch. I’m brave enough to know they won’t get me this time because God won’t let them.  I count to ten and stick my head out. Night vision comes faster. There are no monsters there. There never were.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

my aesthetic

Hi guys! It's been a while. I don't know why I haven't been here as much as I wanted to. I guess I've been so focused on my writing blog my personal one got shoved to the side which I didn't realize hurt me a bit more than I thought. So today, I'm back for the moment, and I decided to make an aesthetic for myself which is inspired by loren @ killjoy and Carol @ Peeking Through a Kaleidoscope. Actually, one of my gorgeous friends made an aesthetic board for me which is totally amazing and really I just love it, so I'm stealing some of her inspiration because honestly I don't know where to start and it fascinates me how other people perceive me. It's just way different from how I perceive myself.


Dark Hair— this always seems to be the first thing people notice about me. It's not that my hair is always in amazing up-dos or whatever. It's plain and straight and long. I really don't know, but I do love my hair so I guess it deserves to be up there.

Mist and Mountains—I love mountains, but I especially love them when they're covered in mist. It becomes really easy for me to feel at home. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to live near them but never actually gotten the chance.

Books— I love books, be it reading or writing them. It's just a way for me to escape sometimes and go on adventures. I especially love time-travel and historic fiction. It's probably because books are a sort of time machine for me. :)

Horses, Loyalty—I've always loved horses, from the time I was little. I would read every book I could get my hands on about horses and then for a while I was able to take beginner riding lessons. I don't get the chance to hang around them as much as I would like to, now. But one day I'll be able to, and that makes me happy. For the loyalty part, I guess it's because I value loyalty and horses have always been a symbol of loyalty to me.

Alone with my Thoughts—I'm an introvert, and I love examining introspective. The majority of the time I'm thinking about everything. My thoughts can be complex, deep, poetic, silly, frustrating, happy, but most of the time I keep them to myself. A lot of the time my thoughts are for me and only me. What I share with you here is just a small part of what I really think.

Piano keys—I love playing piano. I used to play it when I was younger, but I hated practicing. Now I play it because I like the puzzle of figuring out a song. I only know a few, but it occupies my mind when I need a challenge or I need to remember God or feel creative.

Rain—I love rain. I love the sound, the smell, the look, the feel. I love how my eyes can lock onto a raindrop and watch it fall all the way to the ground. There's just something about it that makes it my comfort weather. It feels raw and real and strangely more poignant than sunlight, even though it's softer and on cloudy days it's not nearly as bright. You can see everything contrasted and accentuated, kind of dramatic.

Gardening—I love planting vegetables and watching them grow. I love that plants are alive, and they always point towards the light. Plants and gardening make me feel happy because I'm caring for something that needs me when I don't know who to help. It's nice to feel needed.

Private, not Shy—Some people mistake me as shy or cold, but the truth is, I'm not really either. I'm mostly just private. I keep things to myself. I don't like to share too much about myself because I find it hard to trust the world, and while I might not trust you completely, I will still be your friend. And maybe that's a good thing because people realize that they can trust me, even though they don't know everything about me.


So there's my personality kind of conveyed in images with explantaions. Have y'all ever done these challenges? What are your favorite things? Do you like rain and mountains, or anything else on here? Do we have similar personality traits?

Smiles!
Nicole